Clown Gear Solid V
by pizzapie44
Summary: Venom Snake has a bad encounter with a clown. Written under the influence of a near-fatal dose of Nyquil so I was sorta out of it.


Snake is ab-so-_lutely_ fucking exhausted as he climbs out of the helicopter and onto the surface of Mother Base. Every bone in his body feels like it's made of gelatin or some shit and he's soaked head to toe in a reeking mixture of Russian blood, feces, vomit, and another, chunkier mystery liquid that he doesn't care to identify. Snake is fighting madly to stay conscious as he staggers with a limp (on account of his kneecap being demolished by a sledgehammer blow) towards the shower when he notices Miller approaching him, wheeling a very large crate on a dolly and being followed by a massive crowd of soldiers

"Heya, Snake!" says Miller with a good-humored grin. "Me n' the boys noticed that you've been feeling a bit blue these past few days, so all of us pitched in to get you something special."

Snake is captivated. He loves presents more than he hates being in excruciating pain so he decides to hold off on the shower to take a quick look at this new toy. A masked soldier (Horny Octopus? Or maybe Bleeding Pussy..) hands Snake a crowbar and he's hopping on one foot towards the crate like a methed-up pogo stick, eyes a'glow with childish delight or carnal desire as he pries the crate open with the last shreds of his strength.

Wa-la! And suddenly, face-to-face with Snace, is the biggest fucking clown he has ever laid eyes on. Snake steps back in horror onto his bad knee and falls flat on his ass. The clown, easily over seven feet tall, mimics Snake and takes a similar tumble-FRRRRRRRRPT!-which triggers a whoopee cushion stuffed somewhere up his britches. The soldiers give a modest round of applause.

"Wahahahahahaha! Isn't this the greatest?" Miller, wiping tears from his eyes, evidently thinks this is the funniest shit he's ever seen. "I think it likes you!"

Snake is scared as hell and quickly shuffles away backwards on all fours. The clown, taking this as a challenge, climbs onto a tiny unicycle produced from the unfathomable depths of his clown pockets and gives chase, squeezing his fat rubber clown nose that honks like a goose. Snake is no match for the frenzied speed of the clown and he's caught up within seconds.

A labored groan struggles out of Snake's throat, a pathetic fucking plea for his life. This clown, an especially twisted breed of harlequin, illiterate or just ignorant in the language of mercy, answers Snake's request by catapulting a coconut creme pie square in his face. Luckily for Snake, the tasteful density of this, mmmm!, whipped cream is effective at insulating his uncontrollable sobbing so his comrades can't hear him crying like a lil' bitch.

The soldiers and even Miller have lost their interest in the sideshow by now so they walk away to attend to more, quote-unquote, urgent business, leaving Snake alone with his new pal. When he's sure that the crowd has dispersed, the clown climbs down on his knees and, taking one more glance just to be safe, moves his mouth close to Snake's blown-out eardrum. Despite this, Snake is still somehow able to hear the cadence of the clown's rhythmic, sensual breathing which, come to think of it, sounds like a kazoo for some reason.

Ah, right - Snake is really down in the dumps right now, praying for a quick death or a merciful God or something. He's expecting this clown to whisper a one-liner or clever quip before putting him out of his misery and, growing impatient, really wishes he'd just hurry the fuck up. But wait! This clown, this total asshole of a clown, just breaks the dramatic tension by pulling a long chain of colored handkerchiefs out of his throat, just fucking pulling and pulling on it until it's formed a huge blanket enveloping Snake. The clown props Snake's head up on a throw pillow obtained from, you guessed it, those goddamn bottomless pants pockets.

"I have to go now. Take care," says the clown before diving off of Mother Base and into the churning sea.

"Bye bye clown," says Snake.


End file.
